My spiritual awakening began in 2012. Although I believe my soul is very old and I just started to remember in 2012. Lots of people experienced this same thing. I’d have to look it up to recall the exact details, but a consciousness shift happened in a group of the population. I have heard that some people don’t ever experience it here in this life time though. Some people are not meant to have an awakening in this reincarnation. For me that is hard to believe, yet I see it every day. People who refuse the truth. They make a choice not to see it or simply just cannot. To me it is common sense. I am determined to learn as much as I can about the truth of this “life” we live here in the United States & on the planet.
I may have never found acceptance of myself and knowledge of the universe without the help of another human though. I highly believe my friend Angelica had an important role to play in my consciousness. I do think everything happens for a reason, so I can see clearly now how she was meant to affect my life. At first when she tried to introduce me to the energy world I didn’t take to it the way she wanted. She knew in time I would open-up and listen to what she wanted to share with me. Every part of my life had lead up to this invitation in which she offered me. Because of where I came from, the close mindedness of my parents in their small town, I had a one-track mind. I was just 19-20 when I met her in Kalamazoo. Oh, and I knew everything there was to know in the world. I was judgmental, intimidating, scary, opinionated, and just not the kind of person I would like to have a conversation with today. A know it all, the hottest female around, snide, hostile and had no direction. When I finally took to astrology, the human design and wanting to learn, I was happy I had. I learned I am a Scorpio, a goat, an eagle, an empath, a sensitive, and a projector. To many this means nothing. To others this is a very important key part of who they are. To me it became an everyday part of who I was. I started to investigate all the topics more and wanted to know about myself more than what I already knew.
The fact was that I really knew nothing about myself. I was still only a product of my environment. I was still just a closed minded opinioned young female who thought she knew what she was doing in life. I was wrong. I was wrong my entire life about being wrong. I was always right and finally beginning to find validation in those feelings. I started to understand why I did certain things and had certain thoughts. I no longer believed I was destined to be in a mental institution. I no longer thought I was the craziest person I have ever met. I knew I had a problem with conforming growing up and with parents who went by the book, it was hard to express myself without anger or frustration behind it. I felt stuck in my preadult life. I was confused. I was suicidal. I was self-harming. I was a deceitful to get what I wanted. I was always a victim, whether involuntarily physically or by mental choice, I was always at the bottom of the food chain. For bullies young and old to pick out and abuse or blatantly ignore.
Tim was my first love in 2006. No denying that after the life of hell it put me through defending him for ultimately nothing in the end. He ended up in prison for being a repeat dumbass and I ended up moving out of my hometown in search of new far off places, daring adventures and a new life in 2010. A new, big city. A city I was certainly unfamiliar with.
In 2012, Angelica was my best friend. Travis was my boyfriend. Both Aries. Both still in my life. Both became important to me around the same time. The story wouldn’t be complete without mentioning how each relationship started of course.
Angelica knew my friend/roommate Duane, so she would frequently come hang out at my house with him. I started to talk to her and we had common interests. We ended up going on our first real adventure together. We decided to work from open to close for nine days straight to make enough money to go to Electric Forest in Rothbury, only three hours from our town. This was the festival I first took LSD and mushrooms in public. This was the first time I heard and felt my empathy come alive. I heard people’s thoughts. I felt their energy. Even the bad vibes, I shook them off with all the good positive ones I was picking up. She was a wonderful partner to have there with me. Any confusion I had, she was there to help me get through it. If you are familiar with psychedelics, then you know it’s nice to have a calm soul in your circle for comfort when things get weird and confusing. A wonderful woman to tell you, it’s just the drugs. You will be okay because she is there with you. She makes it better and serine. We bonded. Became soul sisters and have never stopped that love.
Travis is my city boy. I met him at the club I worked at in 2011. I met all kinds of people in that place. Travis stuck. He was a cute boy who sparked my interests. He was local and knowledgeable. Someone to have in my corner. New to the area after just moving from across town, he knew his way around. He knew what to do and how to have fun. I needed someone like that in my life. We talked for hours and in conclusion found out we lived rather close to each other. He was a delivery guy, so he knew the neighborhoods around so when I told him where about I lived, he knew exactly. I took it as a sign that we were supposed to be friends. It wasn’t until 2012 though that we decided to take it any further with a relationship. I felt he was my twin. We had so much in common and we had great fun together. He made me tingle with excitement. It was never very easy though. And even to this day sometimes I question the why to reasoning with us. We obviously are still learning from each other and growing in maturity and strength. For a long time, neither him or I knew how to handle one another. We never full on altercation kind of people, though we are a fiery couple. There’s no denying passion in this relationship. Over time, the arguments taught me how to be strong. I learned how to be alone and love responsibly. How to stand up for myself and how to just let it blow away in the wind. I learned I had the power to control how I reacted, and that was it.
It’d be hard to explain our hot-headed relationship without making him sound like the bad guy, so I won’t explain in detail because I am admittedly not innocent either. That’s my lazy way of saying ‘another time for all that.” We both have done shitty things to each other, but we have learned and moved on, got past and grew up. Though in times of rough happenings, I wished so hard to be somewhere else. I wished for good things to happen and asked the universe “why me?” I prayed for solitude and acceptance. I cried myself to sleep so many times, I don’t think anyone could ever make me cry another night in my bed. So, for all the bad crazy out lashes from him or I, I am thankful. I am thankful for someone to show me how to love myself because they simply do not match my love language. Of which I understand now. I don’t think anyone ever finds the perfect person, but I think people find perfect things in people. A balance is needed. Once upon a time I needed someone to guide me around the new town and he needed someone to guide him around a confused heart. We guided each other and ended up in good places after the amazon of alligator alley we had to paddle through to get here. If I hadn’t had him in my life, I would have never been so low to find myself at the bottom. That is not negative speak. I type with pure intentions of belief.
Because I did not love myself, it was hard for someone else to love me. Not only was I hard to love but I wasn’t willing to accept it either. I didn’t know how. When he couldn’t love me the way I demanded, I was forced to face myself and find value in what was lovable or not. I had to reflect and transition what I did not like to something I loved. When I started to accept myself, it allowed me to start accepting other things. Like not being so judgmental. Not having to express myself so rudely to get my point across. TO KILL WITH KINDNESS, if to even think about “killing.” I started to feel realizations pulse through me like blood in my veins. Thoughts would just happen and my “Oh wow” would be triggered. It all felt like common sense flooding my brain. When I opened that gate to understand everything, everything flowed in. My old soul was recognizing the world again. My empathy began to run my life. I began to feel not only my feelings but everyone’s feelings. I stopped watching television because I couldn’t handle crying at sadness and madness which was not mine. I started to become the person I always wished for as a child. I started to unfold this love inside of me I had never felt before. I sat in silence. With no desires but to be. Just to breathe. Hearing the clock on the wall tick. Smiling. Eyes closed. They call this meditation. As I started to accept me for all my goods and bads, I started to feel the universe. I learned the laws of the universe itself. Attraction. Negative. Outcomes. Karma. Willingness. Thoughts. Wishes. Positivity.
As I started to learn how to be open to others, I wanted to share it with everyone. When my mind opened, it felt so good. I wanted everyone to experience what I was going through. This is when closed minded people call you crazy. I started to share about how far you can get with being nice to people. When you are more inviting, more people want to talk to you, help you, share experience with you. Love is the only way. This is when I started to realize what the hippies were fighting for in the 60’s. The peace marches. It hit me like a brick wall. The sadness of realization that lands are at war, animals are being slaughtered every day, children, and women are being kidnapped and sold as material items, black people are being targeted, our government is a collection of madness put to control currency. One of my biggest questions is why we must pay to live on land which was here much longer than man ever even existed. It completely broke my heart to suddenly think of all this lack of love happening around the world. I began introducing these ideas to people like my parents, my grandparents and outer family members who mostly all immediately rejected what I was saying. “Smoke another one.” Was a popular phrase. It really upset me that not even my mom would take me seriously about these things happening in the world. It dawned on me that it wasn’t her fault. My grandmother is open minded, but it seemed to be that entire older generation and beyond that were just completely brainwashed in their ideas about everything. It blows my mind how absolute everything is with them. They know the answers, if they don’t, someone else does and someone must be right about it. I don’t believe that today. I have always questioned everything. In my early years out of the house though, I believed I knew everything because that’s what I was raised around, people always being right or wrong. There was no being open minded and accepting anything is possible. I think back to decades ago and look at how people were. I watch movies and put things together that just make sense. For example, watching the movie ‘Across the universe,’ the television is brought into the living room and the quote is “Now you can watch it all the time, bringing war right into your living room.” Now c’mon, how is that not common sense for people to see? I know a lot about a little, but I don’t know a lot about everything. It only stemmed from there on my interest in learning more about everything I could. I learned that I will never know everything about everything. There is always something more to go out there and find.
Thanks to Angelica, I got the opportunity to meet a cranial chiropractor. The first time meeting me, he told me to stand as straight as I could in the door way. He then started to tell me what was out of place in my skeleton before he even touched me. I’m not trained yet in the skeleton structure, so I cannot repeat what he said to me, but I know he told me my body leaned to the left. Meaning my shoulder was not in the right place. Also, my hips were moved forward and rotated upwards, which caused all kinds of pelvic issues from painful sex to irritable bowel syndrome. When I was a child, I was swinging between two desks and fell on my neck. Since I was in fourth grade I dealt with migraine headaches. The doctor told me I would never do sports or be active in any activity or it would cause me pain. After seeing this C.C., I stopped having headaches, I was able to do the splits or train for them properly anyways, no more painful sex, and shortly afterwards I started doing aerial silks. Being a cranial chiropractor, he was familiar and knowing of all the bones in the face too. He did energy work while resetting the bones in my cheeks, forehead, brows, jaws and even chin. While I saw him, I learned that the bodies everything starts in the spine. He explained it as “Imagine a tree. The tree depends on the roots, if something in the root system gets sick, damaged in some way, it will show up in the trunk, branches and leaves. Same as the human body.” When he told me that, things began to click in my mind. Pain started to make sense to me. Understanding other peoples pain started to make sense to me as well. If a bone is out of place in the back, it is going to effect so many other parts of the body people don’t even realize. Causing Dis Ease.
This was all 2013-2014, Angelica was teaching me about energy. Everything is energy. When PJ the C.C. was explaining blockages, I started to understand the correlation between pain and stuck energy. Energy blocks cause physical pain. To release the pain, the bones and muscles must have readily flowing energy to align properly and heal. It seemed like my life was blossoming. I was understanding my pain, controlling it with my new physical activity, aerial silks and learning how to take care of myself through my ‘root system’ as was explained to me. I smoked cigarettes at the time and when Pj figured that out, he told Angelica not to have me come anymore. He had expressed to her that my energy was making him ill, so my cigarette smoking could not be tolerated. At first, I was hurt, I was offended. Though after talking with a massage friend, he told me in energy work, if someone has stuck or bad energy that it is possible to pass through the energy worker and cause them to be sickly. Especially if they don’t know how to ground themselves or if they do not properly release that energy back into the earth.
This was the perfect opportunity to reflect. I had to accept that I was no longer going to see this magical chiroman, but it also gave me the chance to look inward. Obviously smoking cigarettes had to go. For so many reasons but when someone denies you because of it, its another feeling all together. I also had to look inside myself to see if I had confronted all the issues I had in my life. What exactly was it I was carrying around so negative that someone tried to help and was harmed in the process? That seemed dark to me. Was I bad? Was I evil? Or was it just my cigarettes? I had to accept I would never really know. I continued just doing my best to be the best person I could be. I took everything I learned and every conversation I had with the energy chiroman and applied it the best I could to my life without any further advice or knowledge on his end. I continued to stretch and care for my spin more than I had before. I read about inversion therapy and benefits of my aerial silks. I looked at it as my time was up with him and had to move on the next thing that would keep my body and mind in shape, intact and healthy.
I had a conversation with someone about how inspiring I was with my words on my posts. He had mentioned me being a life coach. I hadn’t ever heard of a life coach, so I looked into it. Upon my research, I realized I was a life coach. Not a trained life coach but naturally I loved sharing with people innovative ideas and showing them other ways of doing things. I found a course online for achieving a certification on completion of material with testing, a 6-month course. I finished the course with a 98% in the class. At the same time, I enrolled into a spiritual arts online academy. I learned about the aura and energy field each of us have surrounding us. I learned about the chakras and energy healing. I was in transition of work at the time and could not keep paying for the online classes but again, I took what I needed to and applied it to my every day life.
In 2012, Angelica had introduced me to the human design. It was an amazing study, yet another expensive education program. I bought the book and mostly learned from Jelly teaching me the stuff she knew. Her parents were into this design system, so she knew lots about it. We went to a class in Indianapolis once. It was a seminar. A two-day event which was filled with all kinds of awesome energy information. The human design is the science of differentiation. It helps to explain and understand how our personalities are certain types of energy. I am a projector. Meaning my energy can move. I like to think of it as magic. I can control a room depending on how I handle myself. If I am in an exuberant mood, I can easily influence the rest of the room to be happy and have fun too. It works the same way if I am upset. I can walk into a room in a rage and suddenly people want to leave, are uncomfortable or are picking up bad energy in turn making them have a bad time somehow. The other types of energy are manifestors, they keep their energy bubble close and tight. They will most likely not be noticed when sitting in a room full of people. A generator has an “average” energy. In this study they are known as the “workers” of the energy life. Because they generate energy of which manifestors can use to build empires. Think of the manifestor as the computer and the generator as the contractor who builds what the manifestor creates. Then there are the reflectors of which have no energy of their own. They are completely energized by the people around them or their environment. It is easy for these people to be depressed and sad especially if they stay in a dark or dimly lit room. This entire study is so full of information, I can’t even begin to touch on it in this blog entry. That’s another topic of its own and it goes deep.
When I sit back and reflect my life, I make connections to understand the path I have chosen. Energy work and enlightenment is the journey I have stood upon. I am proud to call myself a light worker. I am joyful to have discovered so early in my life, or late depending on how I chose to look at it, my empathy and deep love for this life, universe and earth. I have found my true passion in aerial silks and life off the ground. Some may call themselves introverts, but I like to say my old soul. I am 26 years old and feel as if I have lived many lives before. I can tell an old soul from a new soul. Simply by watching intentions, honesty, maturity, love for the earth and family. I have so much to learn still. I’m happy to share my experiences thus far. I have found my purpose in teaching. I wish to use my character, blog, social media and personal connections to influence anyone and everyone to follow their dreams. Taking small steps to your desires teaches you along the way to be the best human you can be. In finding acceptance and understanding the everything, positive begins to creep its way into your life to unfold the magic the universe has to offer. Finding the positive in every situation will change your life more than you expect it to.
Along my journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening, I have found ways to help practice love every day. Love in the form of positivity. I buy poster board and craft up dream boards as well as boards of positive quotes and put them somewhere on my wall I will see them every day. Even in unconscious acts, I am absorbing mantras of goodness and self-love. Even now when I look up I see the words in bright rainbow colors:
Teach Peace, I can and I will, ALL THINGS WORK OUT BETTER THAN I EXPECT THEM TO, successful people do what they need to whether they like it or not, healing is an art-it takes time-it takes practice-it takes love, wisdom is nothing more than healed pain, putting yourself first does not mean your don’t care about others, it means you’re smart enough to know you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first, the only way to finding the limits of possible is by going beyond them into the impossible, we do not grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges.
If you believe anything is possible, the universe will show you everything is possible.